Things That Make You Go… B A R F

If I see Miley’s ass one more time I KNOW I’m going to throw up. 

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It’s like that road kill down the street from your house,

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and no one calls Animal Control for like four days,

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and every time you pass it, it annihilates your otherwise happy existence.

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Then, on top of that, you have to deal with the fact that they’ve chosen Ben Affleck to be the next Batman. 

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Sometimes I just don’t know how any of us can go on in this world. 

 

 

Diet Tip # 289

I finally figured out how to stay on the diet when grocery shopping.

Go to a boutique and try on clothes BEFORE you go to the grocery store.

Everyone knows boutiques don’t carry anything over size 6, so catching a glimpse of yourself trying to cram your fat rolls into tiny shirts and pants will surely do the trick.

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Then you go grocery shopping.

You’ll want to look like this…

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…but really you’ll look more like this. 

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You may be holding back the tears as you sadly push the cart around, but that’s okay. A little bit of self-loathing goes a long way when it comes weight-loss.

So, if the world is going to end tomorrow…

So, if the world is going to end tomorrow, or at the very least the Aliens are coming to tell us that we are their love-child, I want to be prepared.

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Vodka – Check

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Christmas cookies – Check

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Trader Joe’s Gluten-Free Pizzas – Check

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RUFFLES® SIMPLY NATURAL™ Reduced Fat Sea Salted Potato Chips  – Check

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Condoms – Check

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Electrolyte water – Check

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Toilet Paper – Check

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Benzodiazepines – Check

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All set. You can bring it!

Oh wait, that’s just what I need to get through tomorrow… shit.